Check out the bags under my eyes!
Do excuse the state of my face! I’m currently running on an average of 3-4 hours sleep a night so you’re seeing a product of complete exhaustion. 
And apologies for the length. Good on ya if you managed to watch it all.
[A/N: I just want to apologise if this post is all over the place. It's 1am and my head's fuzzy. I can't seem to concentrate these days for more than a few minutes without daydreaming.] Perhaps it’s the fact that, these days, I spend roughly 23 hours alone, am jobless, and have all the time in the world to read books, surf the internet and reflect on life but I can’t help but feel lonely lately. Not physically. I mean, I live with my family, and my friends are only a phonecall away. I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m going through a lot of changes and am increasingly finding it harder to relate to people. 99% of my internet time is spent looking up forums and blogs related to travel, teaching ESL, hostels, hitchhiking and general vagabonding. The remaining 1% is spent on downloading films and researching books, artists and writers who inspire me. Yesterday I joined one of the largest teaching forums online – which shall remain anonymous – to find out a bit more about the kind of people I’d be joining in a few months to come. What I saw disappointed me. These were not the idealists I hoped to enjoy my time with, feeling inspired with knowing that teaching people a second language would help their situations and improve their lives. Instead these were people I could have found in the next street from me. These were people consumed with the idea of money and things. For any new poster wanting to ask questions about teaching in Latin America, these teachers would reply within minutes, scoffing that in order to make the ‘real’ money, South-East Asia and the Middle East were the places to be. I hadn’t even mentioned money. What about Latin America, where people’s ability to speak English helps them climb away from poverty? Don’t be silly, little girl. I’d much rather be paid nothing, knowing that I helped someone’s quality of life. Money’s nice to have. It is. It certainly makes things a lot easier. But I’m seeing how it easily controls and manipulates people – even those around me – and turns them ugly. I know in my heart that I don’t really need things. I don’t need my DVDs, those books stacked in the corner of my room that I’ll never read again, these posters on my wall, this computer. I wouldn’t have a breakdown if I lost it all. It’ll all be gone by November anyway. I need relationships. I thrive on the people I can talk to and connect with. But these days I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of consumerism. The people around me fill their lives with jewels and cars and pretty things for their houses and 5-star holiday resorts. … Which is fine, if that’s what makes them happy. I just can’t relate to it. And it can be lonely. “Happiness is only real when shared.”
I guess this post is going to be quite personal because if there’s anything a blog’s good for it’s catharsis. Following my previous post, I was amazed by the response I got over here, over Twitter, through text and over private messaging. The majority of you didn’t really know what was going on but you were still there to leave a good word or two of support. Each of you lifted me up so much. It’s amazing how close you can feel to people you’ve never met. So, for some of you who messaged me wanting to know a little more information about what happened, here it is: I did indeed get accepted onto my CELTA course on Wednesday. I’m officially going to take part in an intensive 4 week course to get qualified to teach English as a foreign language. With this qualification, I’ll be able to apply for jobs anywhere I want. I can explore the different countries of the world by living amongst the people and support myself by teaching at the same time. Teaching jobs of this kind can last from 6 months to sometimes a year or two. Essentially, it’s perfect for someone who wants to get up and go, and move on to the next place once their contract is up. It gives me an opportunity to explore and travel the different countries around the world by living in them for a while rather than just passing through. Getting that ‘Yes’ of acceptance onto that course was the most important day of my life. On the same day, something else happened. The relationship I’d been in came to an end. It had been a short relationship but it was fun and made us happy spending time together. We’d decided not to talk about the fact that I was going away, only knowing that we’d make a decision closer to the time about what it meant for us. Maybe closer to the time, the ‘L’ word would have cropped up and the decision would be easier. But the fact of the matter is that he never intended to join me, straggling along from place to place, trying to find odd jobs in countries where he couldn’t speak the language. And I didn’t want to give up my dreams. It was for the best that we parted ways. And it got me thinking about love. I fell in love when I was 20 and threw it away last year for the exact same reasons this recent relationship ended. He was the only man I’ve ever loved and, now, one of my best friends in the world. I wanted to see the world, live in different places and have different experiences. The man I was in love with supported me wholeheartedly and always told me he’d wait for me here. But … who knew if I wanted to come back? What if I left him waiting forever? It’s a strange situation to find yourself in: You’re in love but you have your dreams. You can’t combine the two so you have to choose. Do you walk away from the love of your life and chase your dreams? Or do you stay with him and have that nagging ‘What if?‘ follow you around for the rest of your life? Out of everyone in my life, he was always, and still is, the most supportive person I’ve ever met. If I wanted to run from the North Pole to the South Pole wearing nothing but a pair of flip-flops and a corset, he’d say I could do it. I’m lucky to still have him in my life. But, on the other hand, this was the man I wanted to marry, have babies and spend my life with. To know that I had to walk away from that is heartbreaking but an inevitable consequence. Love is something I can’t juggle with my chosen path into a nomadic life. Love is something I’ll have to put on hold. Love is something that’ll have to wait for me to settle. To love my family and my friends is something I can never give up. But to be in love is an experience I’m putting aside. I need to focus on me and my dreams without the heartache. Perhaps in time as I discover more about myself in new places and meet new people, I can cross that line again and explore that part of my life. But for now, I’m officially closed for business.
