So … What Now?

??????????????????????Five weeks after arriving back into Britain, I’m finally starting to feel things get back to ‘normal’. The moments of reverse culture shock have come to a halt, I’m starting to get used to the weather as Spring sets in (Could do without the constant breeze coming in from the coast though) and I’m finally back on British time (Holy shit! They don’t tell you how much that six hour time difference can really mess your body up!).

It’s a strange sensation being back in the place you left behind. Sometimes Mexico seems like a distant memory; Sometimes it feels as though it never really happened. I’m torn between wanting to talk about it all the time – and risk seeing that ‘here she goes again’ eyeroll –  and choosing to keep it all shut up in a box in the back of my head.

Mexico got harder to write about while I was there because, the more I settled in and began to create a life, the more everything seemed normal. There didn’t seem to be anything ‘quirky’ or extraordinary to write about. Now that I’m back in the Albion, there’s a lot I really do miss and now want to share with people but, at the same time, the little things I remember will spark a moment of nostalgia and I’ll start longing to go back there.

I miss the people I left behind: Friends; Lovers; Students; Colleagues; Crazy commuters. But I left it for a reason.

As I’ve spoken about before, I have new dreams now; New dreams I have to work hard and save money for in order to achieve them. And, unfortunately, Mexico wasn’t going to help make that happen any time soon.

I have no doubt that one day I’ll return and I’ll cross paths with the people who became some of my closest friends again. But for now, it had to be an adiós!

So what does that mean for now?

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Sorry I’m Not Sorry

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I’m sorry that I don’t have all the answers for where I’m heading next.

I’m sorry for being a dreamer.

I’m sorry that I don’t want to be around you anymore.

I’m sorry that you make me uncomfortable.

I’m sorry you can’t get used to the way my accent moves now.

I’m sorry you can’t rely on me.

I’m sorry I don’t want to be like you.

I’m sorry that I love myself.

I’m sorry I lost weight.

I’m sorry for realising how little we have in common.

I’m sorry my passion intimidates you.

I’m sorry I mistook you for a friend when I can see your eyes calling me a whore.

I’m sorry that my adult self is someone you want to belittle and patronise.

I’m sorry I don’t like living in this country.

I’m sorry you’re still waiting for me to “grow up”. Newsflash: I’m 26. This is me.

I’m sorry you didn’t realise how much I’d changed.

I’m sorry you’ll never understand the things that keep me alive.

I’m sorry that my happiness reminds you of how fucking miserable your own life is.

I’m sorry that you try to bring me down and fail every time.

I’m sorry that I love my life.

Most of all, I’m sorry that I’m lying. Because I’m really not sorry at all.

Stranded in Limbo

DSC_09353Photo credit to my twin.

A hundred hours after the plane touched down on British soil and I returned back to my homeland, cabin fever has set in.

The first three days were filled with jet lag and family catch-ups, overdue cuddles and exchanging of gifts, plates of beans on toast and scrapings of Marmite, weary smiles through faces that were half asleep.

Then the inevitable venture into town came about and reverse culture shock set in. Crowds of English-speakers and huge supermarkets overwhelmed me; British cynicism and pessimism took away my smile and brought back those feelings of isolation I remember from long before.

I now find myself wrapped up in a US-bought hoodie, under a Mexican blanket, shut away with only the sounds of Janis Joplin in the air escaping from my brother’s room, wishing I was somewhere else, giggling over Juicy Boy and sipping Peach Schnapps with her, lying in bed and sharing kisses with him, exploring subways, skyscrapers and street food in some of the biggest cities in the world.

I was prepared for the obvious questions:

Did you enjoy it? 

What do you miss the most?

I wasn’t prepared for the one that’s been asked on repeat:

What are you going to do now?

I had plans. It was all worked out.

Spend the summer in Wales catching up with friends and family. Then move to South Korea in August.

But thanks to a hasty rejection due to what an ex once dubbed my “paper lungs”, my life is wide open. No fixed dates. No countries. No idea.

New dreams to save for? Yes.

But how to make them a reality? I don’t know yet.

Emails to France, Italy, Greece, Turkey, Portugal, Singapore, Japan, Hong Kong, Korea.

Who knows where I’ll end up? Right now it doesn’t matter.

My only preference is that it’s anywhere but here.

I love my family and friends; Missed their love, affection and support so much … but I knew the truth all along: I can’t live here. This place is only Limbo. Limbo between each adventure; Limbo between different chapters of my life; Limbo between dreams.

A Look Back on My Mexican Bucket List

SAMSUNG DIGITAL CAMERATen months ago I wrote out a list of things I wanted to do while I was living in Mexico. As I’m only days away from leaving (though have no doubt in my mind that I’ll return), I thought I’d look back on my list and check off everything I managed to accomplish during my time here.

See a football game. This didn’t happen probably due to scheduling, cost and a lack of football fans among my friends, but never fear. I’m sure this’ll be top of my list when it comes to my return.

Visit TeotihuacánI did this. Twice! The pyramids kicked my arse every time I climbed them, showing my complete lack of fitness since I landed in this country.

See some Mexican WrestlingThanks to my beautiful friend, Michelle, snagging herself a luchador boyfriend, we got to go to one of his matches back in February (and see him get pummeled).

Visit Guadalajara. I debated visiting this city during my six weeks of freedom but being constantly worried about money for New York put a stop to my plans. This is number one on my list of cities to visit when I return to Mexico though.

Return to San Cristóbal de las Casas. I would have loved to return to the city I fell in love with in 2011 and revisit my beautiful friend, Rachael, but – similar to Guadalajara – I couldn’t afford the flight or the bus down as I neared the end of my time here. I feel a connection to SCDLC that I’ve never felt with any other city, though, and I know in my heart I’ll be back one day.

Visit Acapulco. My friend, Rachel, and I debated going here for Christmas but after being dissuaded by a lot of Chilangos who said it was hideously busy around the holiday season, we decided to give it a miss. Again, it’s another place I’d like to visit one day. Maybe when I return to Mexico, Acapulco will be my next beach break.

Visit Pachuca. Clearly I didn’t get the chance to explore outside the city during the last half of my time here. Pachuca still holds my curiosity thanks to the history lessons people give me about the city being the only place British settlers went to.

Visit Puerto VallartaPV brought a much-needed break from city life and a fabulous Christmas and NY celebration with one of my best friends.

Visit Diego Luna’s barDone and done. Not only did I visit his bar but I got royally eye-fucked by the man in question just a few months earlier. I think I’ve left my territory on his heart sufficiently. Adiós, Diego!

Be able to hold a conversation in Spanish. While I’m hardly an expert and still essentially suck at the language, I surprised myself in December by throwing myself into the role of main interpreter while my friend, Rachel, was here visiting. In Puerto Vallarta, I was the star Spanish speaker at our hostel and even manage to hold actual conversations with the locals. I’m giving myself a gold star for this.

Visit Chapultepec Fair/Six FlagsMy trip to Six Flags taught me that while teenage me would go on any scary ride she laid her eyes on, adult me is a complete chicken shit.

See Café Tacuba live. I didn’t achieve this not through lack of trying. The band were constantly on tour for the whole time I was here – Unfortunately 99% of it happened outside of D.F.

Visit the Modern Art MuseumProving to the world that I’m a complete ignorant, I finally made my way to the museum, only to kind of grumble and yawn at half of it.

Visit Diego Rivera’s Anahuacalli Museum. I planned to do this during my last six weeks but, unfortunately, life got in the way. I’m still a bigger Diego fan than Frida fan so this’ll be something to look forward to when I return.

Visit San Miguel de AllendeThanks to my gorgeous friends, Elinor and Eduardo, I got to tag along to this gorgeous town for the weekend.

Visit Baja California. I can see this being a separate trip in itself. One day.

Show my parents my favourite places. My parents planned to come and visit me at some point but when I announced I’d be returning to the UK this year, they put their travel plans on hold. I’m sure if I move back here one day, they’ll be happy to come and take a peek. In the meantime, I’m going to continue to be jealous of all the places in the world they do visit.

Visit Veracruz. Should we just assume that when I return to Mexico I’ll see all the new places then?

Volunteer in a migrant shelter. When I return, I don’t plan on going back to work until I’ve done a bit of travelling around the country and volunteered at a migrant shelter. It’s an issue I’m still extremely passionate about and one I hope to get back to.

Take proper Salsa lessonsWhen I arrived in D.F., I’d developed a fear of Salsa dancing thanks to the locals in San Cristóbal laughing at my ridiculous attempt to keep up with them. Thanks to my wonderful friend, Eduardo, I’m crossing this item off my list. He not only helped me get over my fear but taught me some of the most basic steps that stuck with me and was able to add a few extra moves each time we went out dancing. I’m no expert but, shit, I can salsa now!

Treat myself to a relaxing weekend getawayI’m ticking this off my list because my two weeks in Puerto Vallarta was nothing but relaxation and sun – something I’ve always wanted to do!

I’d say out of 10 out of 21 isn’t bad considering most of them are travel-related and I’ve had a full-time job the majority of the time I’ve been here. Anyway, it also gives me an excuse to come back and complete it one day. ;-)